Freedom From Expecting Less

I have come to a more peaceful place of expecting less from people and accepting them for who they are and where they are in their own personal journey.  It’s not up to me to decide if, when, where, what, how, why or with whom they journey with.  It’s very human to want to pass judgement, give unsolicited advice, try to convince, or try to explain.  When we are aware of these behaviours and our needs, we can work on it within.  It is also very precious and powerful when others have the space to work through and arrive to their own AHA’s and realizations.  There is no substitution for this. Having people arrive at their own realizations is a greater reward than convincing them to come to said realization. It is important to allow people to become their best selves without force.

There is freedom for me when I can practice acceptance of where I am at in my journey. It is also when I can practice acceptance of where others are in their journey too.  As clear and true and appropriate as something is for me does not mean it is clear and true and appropriate for others.  With knowledge comes responsibility.  I am responsible for consistently doing my inner work and looking after my energy so that I can show up in this world as my best self. In turn, looking after your own energy creates amazing ripple affects around you. 

I wish you all the best in your journey. This is where I will leave my door open should you want to walk through it.

Contact me for a complimentary 30-minute phone conversation to learn more about ways you can achieve freedom from expecting less.

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Much Love,

Thoughts & Emotions on Getting Back in the Saddle

As a tween I attended a riding camp and during the first morning I watched a horse rear up and the boy fell off hitting the ground hard.  Eyes wide, I froze in fear and decided horses were unsafe.  To stay safe my coping mechanism was to spend lots of time in the infirmary not feeling well.  Years later I got on a horse in my 20’s for a trail ride up north and I was still terrified but managed to complete the ride even though the horse jumped a small ravine as I held on for dear life.  

Thankfully it didn’t stop me from letting my daughters have their own horse experiences.  That’s how this opportunity for my growth appeared. Things just lined up perfectly to get me back in the saddle. From the laid back vibe of the farm to the people that work there, to the amazing horses and ponies I got to spend a little time with and enjoy their personalities at the end of the day when picking my daughter up from their camp program.  Somehow I found myself asking about me going for a ride. I didn’t plan this, however, I was ready to create a new experience with horses and everything seemed to line up just so.

Before heading to the barn, I looked after myself by tapping on my emotions and the things that came up for me to worry about: feeling a little scared, the size of a horse, what if I get stepped on, what if the horse gets spooked, the smells of the barn, what if I fall off.  

Both the super patient and thoughtful barn manager and my younger daughter showed me how to get my beautiful horse, Arizona who is an Appaloosa, ready.  At first I did feel some nervousness and I used my tapping to calm my body and energy down and kept going along. As I got her ready I also tapped while having my other hand on the horse and had silent conversations with her, letting her know what my intentions were.  To have a good, easy going experience that I could grow from, and I thanked her for helping and being a part of this.

In the paddock I was standing beside Arizona holding onto her when I felt nervous again as she moved around a bit. So, I hung on and tapped to calm myself again.  Then my instructor took me step by step on how to get on and hold the reins, and all of a sudden I was sitting up high on a horse again. And I felt ok. I wanted to get to walking.  I learned some of the basics again and I was really happy to be on Arizona walking around outside with the sun shining, surrounded by nature. 

I couldn’t stop smiling so, off we went for a trail ride while my instructor led my horse.  That felt just right to me. Getting back to the paddock if even tried some faster walking and some short stints of trotting because I felt like it!  Woohoo! I was so happy for myself that I had created some new freedom in my life!  

The experience of grooming Arizona after the ride felt different to me as I thanked her for her kindness and gentleness.  I felt much closer to her and there was an ease in me along with deep gratitude to her for playing a very special part in my life.  

Is there an experience that you would like to have in your life but have been putting off?  Would you like to give yourself the gift of moving through and fulfilling something? Not sure where to start?  Let’s connect!   

You can join the conversation on Facebook, or you can send me a private message here.

Until Next Time,  

Nicole 

‘Let It Go’ – I Call BS!

let it go - I call BS! Nicole Tomingas

Have you ever been told by someone to just let it go?  How helpful was that for you?  If you did manage to let it go, how did you do it?  What had to be given up or what part of you was sacrificed in order to do so?  How long did it last?

I find it interesting when the term ‘let it go’ gets tossed around in conversations or on social media, like it’s an easy to do, helpful and complete suggestion.  It usually does not come with instructions on how to do that in a safe way that does not stuff it down for it to resurface later or requires numbness or unhealthy distraction.

Instead of Letting It Go, How About Listening to It?

If something is bothering us this is a message for us. This is valuable information about ourselves and it can be worth our while to explore it.  I don’t mean to move in and live there, but to give it some time.  Give ourselves some time to unpack it and find out what is coming up for us.  When we allow this we may find out that there is something else at play here, which again is valuable information.  The idea is to move through it and understand the learning rather than trying to stuff it down or gloss over it.

On the flip side, perhaps we have found ourselves suggesting to someone else to let something go.  This too is valuable information for ourselves.  This has something to do with getting our needs met, and do we even know what need is trying to be met by that behaviour?  Keeping in mind that we are all doing our best with the information we have.

Let’s Talk About It

My intention is to raise awareness for when our stuff is showing up with things we don’t like in our worlds.  If you would like a safe space to unpack stuff, while honouring your nervous system, to move through things, and tap into your inner wisdom – then let’s connect!

Until Next Time!

Nicole

 

 

Sitting in Our Own Chairs

sitting in our own chairs

Sitting in Our Own Chairs

Our lives are full of so many relationships that we interact with all day, every day. And the moments towards the ends of our lives here on earth are not about money, material possessions, success, etc. Rather, what matters most is our relationship with ourself and our relationships with our loved ones. This is what we have to hold on to and make peace with as we make the greatest transition. Thankfully, while we are still here, we have the opportunity to consciously deepen and strengthen these important relationships with our loved ones.   

My Introduction to this Concept

I was introduced to the meaningful concept of ‘sitting in my own chair’ by my trainer and mentor, Nancy Forrester, with regards to working with clients. Picture a football or soccer field with a clearly marked center line. One half is my side, the other half is the client’s side. When we come together to do some work we both pull our chairs up towards the center line to be closer. It is my job to stay seated in my chair and to lovingly support the client and help facilitate their work while I stay in a regulated state. For this, I use tapping to maintain a regulated state.   

My Personal Journey

I found that sitting in my chair as a helping professional to hold and maintain these loving boundaries to facilitate work and growth is very doable. When I consciously brought this concept into other important relationships, like parenting, I found it can be quite challenging as our needs can get in the way at times. 

We are all trying to meet our needs, it’s just a natural part of the human experience that happens to shows up in our lives every single day. Expecting our family to meet our needs, regardless of how good our intentions are, does not take away from the fact that it’s at their expense.   

It’s Complicated

Our needs affect how and when we are sitting in our chair. Some will have a hard time sitting in their chair at all. Others can sit in their chair as long as things are going fairly smoothly until there is a bump in the road. It can be so easy to jump up and out of our chair to do for others what they can do for themselves. Maybe we don’t want them to feel pain, discomfort, rejection, sadness, or to become upset. Or maybe we don’t want to feel any of that in relation to them. We know it’s not healthy to try to live our kids’ lives for them. To not allow them to make choices and experience the outcomes, age appropriately of course. Throughout their stages we will be required to lovingly hold space for them to live and move through things.   

Final Thoughts

The question is – do we as parents know how to sit in our own chair and regulate our systems?  If the answer is no right now, that is okay. Let’s begin where we are and if you need some help with this please feel free to reach out to me. While I have not completely mastered this, it’s an ongoing process, and I have made significant shifts. Together, let’s create the possibility for a time when we are close to the center line across from our loved ones sitting in our own chair comfortably supporting ourselves and lovingly supporting them too.

You can join the conversation on Facebook, or you can send me a private message here.

Until Next Time,  

Nicole 

A Reflection of the Blogging Kind

A Reflection of the Blogging Kind

I decided to look back on my very first blog and reflect on where I was 3 years ago and where I am now. To see if I still think and feel the same way, and to notice how I’ve grown and changed since then. I started blogging back in April of 2016.  I had to work through what was coming up for me, so I could feel good about leaving an imprint on the world this way. 

It was challenging for me to just start writing.  When I was introduced to only having to write a ‘sh%tty first draft’ that took the pressure off enough to get started. I remember thinking I don’t have that much to say; how am I going to keep this up monthly?  Four years later I probably have enough content to write a book!  As I read through my very first blog I realized this still all applies and I have been able to personally grow tremendously because I created a new foundation to support myself years ago.

Motherhood:  What I didn’t know then, but I do know now!

As we step into motherhood our habits, thoughts, beliefs, and certain ways of life that were doing ok before can now be magnified when we have kids. Being a mom is also being a caregiver. Helping to nourish, raise, teach and guide our children. It requires a tremendous amount of our time, energy, and patience. It can evoke strong feelings of love, joy, compassion, connection, and blessed feelings. It can also draw out fear, guilt, anger, frustration, and overwhelm. Let’s add in that moms these days have a lot on their plates. Feeling stressed, run down, and burned out can be a challenging day to day reality for moms and their families.

About five years ago I found myself wearing the most hats I’d ever had to date. I was a busy mom to two wonderful girls, I was remarried and helping my husband run a successful business, I volunteered and helped care for our home. I was people pleaser and was really good at saying yes to all sorts of requests. I looked fine on the outside but inside I was a mess. I went nonstop and did a minimal amount of self-care. That’s until I found myself dealing with a severe back seizure and everything stopped. I couldn’t do anything for anyone. This started a whole new path in my life, a new learning of taking care of me and supporting myself in all sorts of ways.

Sometimes we believe that looking after ourselves can be selfish, or the people around us might believe that. I believe when we take the time and energy to regularly build in time to nourish ourselves we then come from a happier, more peaceful place. This translates into happier, more peaceful giving. This happier, more peaceful giving looks different, sounds different, and it feels different to the giver and the receiver. A wonderful win / win situation!