Conscious Parenting: Fast Forward to the University Years
When your kids turn eighteen and head off to the next part of their lives, it can be exciting, scary, and confusing all at once. Both parents and children are expected to evolve and change the roles and habits they’ve been used to for many years. This can feel abrupt from the parent’s point of view, from the child’s point of view, or from both. It can be difficult to separate where we as parents end and where our kids as individuals begin. This transitionary period can be a great time for our kids. They have more freedom, but remain slightly dependant. They will go off and have adult experiences, but on a slightly smaller scale. It allows them an opportunity to step out and use the life skills we’ve taught them through the years.
When new relationship boundary lines are being drawn, it can often be a bit messy. We can have the tendency to slip back into old ways and overstep these new boundaries. One example would be when they call us to talk about an issue they’re having and we just want to fix it. There are many reasons we try to jump in; we don’t want to hear about the issue or deal with it, we don’t feel they are capable of dealing with it, it’s just easier for us to do it, or perhaps we want our worry or anxiety about their issue to end. These justifications are all our stuff that we bring into the situation. Things we can work on for ourselves. Perhaps they don’t want or need us to fix it but just need someone to listen so they can talk things through. Or on the flip side it could be that they don’t want to do what is required because they know we’ll do it for them, even though they are quite capable.
What Can We Do Instead?
So how do we proceed within these new boundaries? Look after and support ourselves first. Then we can consciously provide a space where our children can connect with us openly and feel heard. Then when they share an issue, once we’ve heard what’s going on, we can ask some curious questions:
How is that a problem for you?
What do you see as your options?
How is that working for you?
What would you rather have happen?
What have you tried already?
Would you like some alternative options?
What are the possible consequences of this?
This last question is important because they are not always aware of the possible consequences. Their brains are still developing, and depending on the issue at hand and the decisions to be made, there could be a lifetime of consequences. This deserves a discussion. In this space of talking things out and answering these questions there can be a neat shift in the type of energy they bring to the issue, allowing for clarity and greater possibilities. This is part of what it looks like to support them in this period of their lives.
So let’s give ourselves a break, and recognize that we are not going to be perfect at this, it’s a process. I am truly thankful for the community of conscious parents that I have in my life. Some, who are in the same parenting stage as me, and many more, who have gone before me. I hold their wisdom with high regard and find comfort, strength and inspiration within my conscious community. It is because of them that I can share this insight and information with you today.
I would love to hear from you about your growth as parents. You can join the conversation on Facebook, or you can send me a private message here.
Nicole