Blog Page 4 of 7 - Nicole Tomingas

Mindful Boundaries for Sensitive Systems

Being mindful of boundaries is something no one can do for us in our adult life. If we don’t look after our boundaries we leave ourselves open to everyone else’s ideas and perceptions. That’s usually not a good feeling.

Speaking Up for Ourselves

Whether it’s feeling hurt, frustrated, less than, or resentment. When we don’t speak up for ourselves because we are trying to keep the peace or have the desire to be liked, whatever the reason is, we are sending the message that ‘your feelings are more important than mine’. That can result in us feeling bad and projecting outward feeling that it’s their fault. Anytime we feel resentment it’s an opportunity to have a good look at the role we are playing with regards to the person that we feel the resentment towards. It means we didn’t look after ourselves in the way that we needed.

Boundaries Can Be a Weak Area for Sensitive Systems

It can feel like it takes a great deal of energy and effort not only to create boundaries but also to maintain them and that can be exhausting. On the flip side, not having healthy boundaries and leaving ourselves exposed and running ourselves ragged is also exhausting. Waiting for others to change, to see the light isn’t going to work. We need to do the work for ourselves, it’s a choice.

Steps Towards Creating Boundaries

Creating boundaries isn’t popular with others. In fact, some may dial up their behaviour hoping we’ll go back to the old way. This may take some time, persistence, and patience from us. If, at the moment we feel most uncomfortable, we can hold that ground, feel being uncomfortable and do it anyways, we will have made a good shift into new possibilities.

Starting this new process can be really messy at first. It can be received as super assertive or even a little aggressive. Imagine the pendulum swinging in the complete opposite direction before swinging back and forth enough times to be able to rest in the middle of neutrality. Eventually with enough practice and the gathering of good little experiences with boundary creating it can become second nature in a way that is kind yet firm.

When we create and maintain healthy, mindful boundaries in our relationships with regards to our time, physical energy, mental/emotional energy, and even money, it benefits us immensely. It also benefits others as we role model healthy boundaries to those around us – our children, family, friends, colleagues, clients – it’s a win/win!

I would love to hear from you. You can join the conversation on Facebook, or you can send me a private message here.

Nicole

Why Stepping Within Matters When We’re Stepping Out!

Let’s talk about when we create something new and awesome in our career or business lives. That can feel really good! Sometimes what will happen is, as you reach this next step a lot of stuff can surface; a new layer of thoughts and emotions that can lead to unwanted behaviours.

Stepping Out Requires Inner Work

A greater step out requires a deeper level of inner work, especially for those who have a highly sensitive system. Sure we can go about our days choosing not to work on this deeper layer. You may find that you are having challenges in showing up in your best way to this new creation. You may have created it and then would like to go and hide.

Our Primal Need to Be “Safe”

There can be inner conflict with both sides having logic and emotion attached to why their side is the better choice. In the end safety always wins. Our primal subconscious need for our systems to be safe plays a huge role with regards to our success or lack thereof. If you also have a highly sensitive system, like myself, this effect can be magnified.

Supporting Our Inner Selves in a Time of Great Outward Effort

As we step out of our comfort zones it’s an excellent opportunity to work within. We are creating something in our life that requires greater energy, effort, time, and attention. So the idea is as much as we step out that we also take at least the same amount of a step inwards, if not more. This is to support our systems during this transition. This also helps to create the foundation to hold and maintain the step out, this is the sweet spot of sustainable resilience… for this step.

Sure, we can force through bigger change and think we are doing okay until we crash, burnout, or find ourselves unwell. Who wants to come out of it feeling like you’re in a state of disarray physically, mentally or emotionally? No thank you!

The first step is being aware of what’s going on for us. I invite you to think about how your steps are going for you, how you are showing up for these steps and what’s coming up for you in terms of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as you are going through the motions.

If they aren’t serving you, my door is always open to have a conversation! As my Mentor & Trainer Nancy Forrester says “your business can’t grow any more than you’ve grown”.

I would love to hear from you. You can join the conversation on Facebook, or you can send me a private message here.

Nicole

A Tale of Delight

When my older daughter was a tween I felt it was time to get another dog; thinking she could really benefit from a furry companion. It was around the same time when I was growing up that my family got our Boxer, Tor, who will forever remain in my heart. Tor was there for me and gave me comfort all through those tumultuous teenage years. He was a handsome, majestic dog and I loved him to bits.

Welcoming Delight to the Family

The girls and I were ready but my husband needed convincing, as having to make the choice to put down our last dog down who was suffering had taken a toll on him. I knew I wanted to get a Lab and hopefully a chocolate one as I had loved my dear friend’s sweet girl. I was hoping to get a dog that needed a home and we were able to adopt our dog when she was a year and a half old.

She came with the name Delight.

At first, I wanted to change her name to something more traditional; but, in retrospect her name is so appropriate for who she is. I think my husband tried hard not to get too attached in the beginning. HA! Somehow he ended up being Delight’s most favourite person in our family. I hear their daily interactions and it makes me smile. He adores her too and she is so good for him.

A Pure Source of Comforting & Grounding

Delight helps to deeply comfort and ground my younger daughter. When she wakes up in the morning she goes to be with the dog, throughout the day they play together and snuggle, and at the end of the day, she must say goodnight to the dog. I know that Delight understands what my daughter needs, they have their own special energetic agreement. She adores her dog and Delight is so good to her.

As for my older daughter, she has a bit of a different relationship with our dog. One that may appear to be more distant compared to her younger sister. My older daughter requires far less from the dog but loves having her as part of the family. She keeps asking to take the dog with her away to school; I think she really feels the difference not being with the dog every day. I know they adore each other too, in a way that suits them both perfectly.

The Best Kind of Chocolate

As for me, I take great pleasure in her companionship, her personality, and her facial expressions. How she tries to trick us into giving her 2 dinners. The way she sits funny by the back door. How she clearly prefers to be the only dog in our home. How she’s usually a couch potato indoors and full of energy and adventure outdoors. And how she likes to keep an eye on things outside at night when we sleep. Our very loyal and loving Delight is the best kind of chocolate for our family’s wellbeing and happiness and I hope we are all that and more for her too!

I would love to hear from you. You can join the conversation on Facebook, or you can send me a private message here.

Nicole

Transitioning from Living on the Surface

For most of my life, I had just lived on the surface. It was safer for me to live that way, just on the top layer of my life. If I only paid attention to what was peeking out on the surface I could manage that and stay afloat.

Living on the Surface was Exhausting

I would pretty it up, put a smile on and do a good job of bypassing some seriously deep, heavy crap. This went on for years and I was really good at avoiding things. However, the amount of energy and time I had to put into ignoring that stuff increased every time I added a new piece of emotional baggage to my haul.

My twenties were quite a doozy so by the time I hit my early 30’s I was exhausted. ‘I AM SOOOO TIRED’ was my go-to saying and I had it on repeat throughout those days! Looking back, the 30’s seemed so young for me to be emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted on such a large scale but that was the truth.

Choosing Flexibility within the Layers

Now in my 40’s I don’t just live on the surface anymore, I chose to have flexibility within the layers. Interestingly my feelings of safety lie in the fact that I can actively work with the underpinnings of all the surface stuff. Having the ability and making the choice to move between the surface, under the surface, and even to do deep soul worthy dives is freeing to me.

I live with a greater capacity to be curious about me and about others. I find so many things in this life to be interesting now. And I hold a much larger capacity for creativity and for shaping my world around me.

If your safety is found by living on the surface, I completely understand. And of course, it’s perfectly okay to be there. Just like it’s okay for me to be where I am. No insisting that one be like the other. We are all exactly where we are meant to be right in this very moment.

As always, if you have questions for me about how I transitioned from one layer living to multi-layer living then please feel free to reach out!

I would love to hear from you. You can join the conversation on Facebook, or you can send me a private message here.

Nicole

Accepting Changes: Children Home from University for the Holidays

I had heard from others that when my daughter came home for the holidays it would be great. Then by the end of it I’d probably be ready to see her on her way back to school and get back to ‘normal’. I thought okay, I understand what they are saying about the new dynamics and routine changing but let’s see how this plays out for me, for us, for our family!

We Easily Fell Back into Our Family Unit

During the three weeks together we all easily fell back into our family unit of 4, 5 including our faithful chocolate lab who seemed extra happy to have her pack back together! It was a joyous time, a time to celebrate and just be together. There were many family dinners home and out, skiing for my husband and the girls (reading for me), time together up north, holiday shopping, movies, lunches, friends, etc.

A Tear-filled Goodbye

Fast forward to all four of us standing in a long line at the train station with all these young adults heading back to their school ‘homes’. We seemed to be the exception with more of the young adults standing on their own in line. I could tell our family unit energy was interesting to others around us and perhaps even comforting. My husband providing an easy going option for a couple of the younger male adults to ask their questions to.

All of a sudden it was time to say goodbye and we created a family jam in the line when hugging our oldest girl. As we walked away my younger daughter started to cry; I had been fine until I saw and felt her sadness of her big sis leaving. I did the only thing that came naturally to me; held her hand, and told her it was okay to be sad. It was okay to cry and I shed some tears along with her as we walked to the parking garage.

As I sat on the couch later that evening reflecting on how the last three weeks went I thought, no, I wasn’t derailed by the new dynamic or of my routine being affected. In fact this past holiday break may have been the first one I wasn’t dying for school to start again or to get back into routine. I loved the family time we spent together without the urge of wanting it to be something different! I felt peaceful and accepting of what is.

Did you have a similar experience over the holiday season with accepting changes?

I would love to hear from you. You can join the conversation on Facebook, or you can send me a message privately here.

Wishing you and yours a happy new year!

Nicole